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Mon, Jul. 10th, 2006, 04:06 am
noumignon: terrible truths about the evangelical outpost

Terrible Truths about Joe Carter at the Evangelical Outpost.
  • I once solved the mysteries of the Navier-Stokes equations but forgot the answer before I could write it down.

  • The Pirahã tribe whistle an epic tale of my grandeur.

  • The Canadian Forces Dental Branch has a standing order to kill me on sight.

  • I once ate a dingo’s baby.

  • At the age of four I was considered a classical banjo prodigy.

  • I can Martinize in less than one hour.

  • At the age of two I was kidnapped by Tibetan monks who believed I was the 17th reincarnation of the Buddha.

  • I have won awards for thumping tubs, noggins, and Bibles.

  • I am immune from prosecution.

  • Neurologists have diagnosed me as having a rare condition which causes me to skip leap years.

  • I can tear holes in the space-time continuum and repair them with a quantum duct tape that I created.

  • Norman Mailer and I have been feuding for two decades, though neither of us can remember why.

  • I’m five IQ points smarter than I look.

  • When people ask "How've you been?" I want to answer "cheeky" but I usually just say "I've been fine."

  • My inner child is a six-year-old girl named Erline.

  • The best job I ever had was the summer I worked as a roadie for Lawrence Welk.

  • I sometimes go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence but most of the time I can't be bothered with such nonsense.

  • I have the temperance of a Greek god.

  • I was thrown out of a G & T program after it was discovered that I was neither gifted nor talented.

  • The scent of my pheromones has been known to ease birthing pains in Chinese pandas.

  • It’s been said that my face resembles a Picasso painting.

  • On weekends I volunteer at nursing homes teaching krav maga to geriatrics.

  • I invented the word “excrescence.”

  • I was once the answer to 43 down in the New York Times Crossword puzzle.

  • Tom Wolfe wears white suits as an homage to my virtue.

  • The Oracle of Delphi prophesied that I would never amount to anything.

  • I have often been the hero of “Choose Your Adventure” novels.

  • I am all “Sturm”, no “Drang.”

  • I am honorably discharged.

  • I once quelled a riot in Chile by singing “Muskrat Love” in fluent Spanish.

  • My favorite color is blue.

Thu, Jan. 5th, 2006, 07:36 am
noumignon: Terrible Truths About Chuck Norris

Selected from the Chuck Norris Fact Generator, Terrible Truths About Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour. He had sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Wed, Dec. 7th, 2005, 08:37 am
noumignon: Terrible Truths About Dick Cheney

Selected from a list at Ace of Spades HQ, Terrible Truths About Dick Cheney.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, Dick Cheney actually has the bleeding heart of a true liberal. He keeps it in a jar under his desk.

When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

Dick Cheney takes candy from babies, then later gives it to diabetic babies.

Dick Cheney calls each and every member of the Washington press corps a "cocksucker," but does not do so because of any personal animus--the man just knows.

Dick Cheney refuses to obey the First Law of Thermodynamics on principle.

Dick Cheney periodically goads Germany to invade Poland to prevent Europe from "going all sissy".

Dick Cheney once sodomized Sigmund Freud for being "so goddamned European." For the rest of his life, everything that Freud looked at reminded him of Dick Cheney's penis.

Dick Cheney won the first season of Survivor by eating the other contestants and camera crew. CBS is too scared to air the footage.

Dick Cheney refuses to wait for a heart attack to come... He has spent years planning a pre-emptive strike.

It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.

Dick Cheney invaded Russia in the winter and won.

Dick Cheney won't come into your home unless you invite him in.
Because he's really polite.

Dick Cheney has repeatedly pressed for Congressional resolutions banning torture, because it's not as fun if it's legal.

Dick Cheney's infamous "undisclosed location"? FUNKYTOWN!

Sat, Nov. 26th, 2005, 10:04 pm
lionore: Bring It On


Fri, Nov. 25th, 2005, 02:44 am
noumignon: terrible truths about Hugh Gallagher

This college application essay reminded me of terrible_truths:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from
a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was
scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles.
Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations
for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using
only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Fri, Sep. 16th, 2005, 11:56 pm
blueloo123: (no subject)


Wed, Jun. 8th, 2005, 04:16 pm
noumignon: Your mom

From the wikipedia entry on your mom, Terrible Truths About Your Mom.

Your mom is idolized by the element Urmomium

Your mom was exceedingly popular during a brief period in the 1980s, but then again, what wasn't?

Your mom got so high once at a Jimmy Buffet concert that she threw her panties at a stuffed parrot, but that doesn't mean it's okay for you and your friends to waste your lives on the devil weed.

Your mom is so fat that hundreds of horrible jokes have been made at her expense.

Your mom is so ugly that hundreds of other horrible jokes have been made at her expense.

Your mom is the best comeback ever. ZING!

Your mom would be horribly upset that you are wasting your life visiting this site.

Your Mom knows you masturbate, but loves you anyway.

Your mom was the 53rd president of the United States.

Your Mom has a huge crush on Barry Manilow, and has been mailing him her diary entries weekly for over two decades, doodle-hearts and all.

Your Mom secretly likes the smell of her own flatus. Now you know where you get it from.

Fri, May. 27th, 2005, 11:39 am
socratic: Gnomeadomedome

It is said that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. In this case the squeaky wheel gets outed as a habitual bed wetter by a horde of Pinkerton gnomes, and the world gets to find out that:

talkingpotato made a pretty good living as a train robber nicknamed "the Scofflaw Kid" during the 1890's, then the automobile was invented and it all went to hell.

talkingpotato still hasn't forgiven NBC for canceling "Jesse."

talkingpotato wasn't built in a day, but would have been if not for a WORK STOPPAGE.

talkingpotato is better at tennis than Marat Safin, but significantly worse at BEING A TOOL.

talkingpotato spends every Thursday being ejected from the Supreme Court viewers gallery for making fun of Scalia's hair.

talkingpotato survived being between a rock and a hard place because they were VERY FAR APART.

talkingpotato was rendered speechless by the sleek lines and comfortable ride of the S80 luxury sedan, which is, in fact, a Volvo.

talkingpotato's gonads contain 10,000% of your daily recommended allowance of Lycopene, and are quite tasty when served in a nice hollandaise sauce.

talkingpotato has spent the last 3 years cultivating a fu manchu mustache that will ONE DAY RULE THE WORLD.

talkingpotato is planning to name her fifth child Kofi Annan, but not after the guy you're thinking of.

talkingpotato memorized the telephone exchanges of all the post offices in Great Britain while doing time for the murder of Mr. Boddy in the library with the DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS.

talkingpotato turned down an offer to serve as Chancellor of the Exchequer for the Thatcher government because she wanted to maintain her AMATEUR STATUS.

talkingpotato considers honesty to be the best policy in case of Polar Bear attack. It hasn't failed her yet.

talkingpotato is both a recovering anorexic and a budding bulimic.

talkingpotato is a captain of industry. What industry? PORN INDUSTRY!

talkingpotato mastered Othello in fourteen minutes, which is pretty shitty as lifetimes go.

talkingpotato feeds parking meters HAM SANDWICHES because it makes them CHOKE.

talkingpotato forgot the Alamo.

talkingpotato has recently put in a bid to be officially recognized as "God's One True Haberdasher."

talkingpotato thinks the best little whore house in Texas is no match for the BUNNY RANCH.

talkingpotato went AWOL as commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces to catch the end of a KISS reunion concert and would do it again in a HEARTBEAT.

talkingpotato owns a regulation air mattress but prefers to sleep on a bed of broken dreams.

Mon, May. 23rd, 2005, 01:01 pm
socratic: Don't stop believing

Most of the things the Pinkertons learned about Robert Peate are unprintable. Many involve sexual acts with various mollusks and other once innocent creatures of the sea. Some of these acts were felonies. I can't talk about this any longer, it makes me physically ill. Besides that stuff, they also learned that:

rpeate had an ill-fated marriage to Phil Hartman that ended in tears, but he has never stopped loving his darling Phillip, not even for a moment.

rpeate sometimes impersonates the sun. When doing so he sets in the East just to fuck with people.

rpeate is widely credited with inventing the phrase "Oh my god! What's growing on my penis?"

rpeate has been judged competent to stand trial for the murder of JANET RENO.

rpeate was Baskin & Robin's ill-fated 32nd flavor, paving the way for BEN AND JERRY'S ICE CREAM DOMINANCE!

rpeate needs lots of sunlight and water and must be regularly pruned.

rpeate wasn't there when it happened, but that won't stop him from blabbing on.

rpeate cannot be underestimated under any circumstances.

rpeate was voted Miss Poughkeepsie Petunia 1963 by a COMFORTABLE margin.

rpeate fronted the most influential rock band in history, Robert Peate and the Born Losers.

rpeate has often thought about opening a chain of vegan fried chicken outlets, but always decides against it because "there's so much competition."

rpeate was your Secret Santa that time you got the really crappy gift. That's right, I'm talking about the Mr. Belvedere Coffee Mug. He knew you would not like it. He did not give a damn.

rpeate made $120,000,000 in counterfeit monopoly money, which he sold for a net profit of TWENTY CENTS.

rpeate cannot read or write, yet has a PhD in EVERY SUBJECT KNOWN TO MAN.

rpeate is not a racist, he joined the KKK because he's really into guys in hoods.

rpeate cannot have sex while listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice, which made things very uncomfortable for the three years they were lovers.

rpeate never met a man he didn't bite.

rpeate reticulates splines so good it'd make you orgasm from across the room.

rpeate bathes only once a year, and then only in water pumped directly from his septic tank. Because of this unique regiment he has the body of a 21 year old and smells like raw sewage.

rpeate ghostwrote the films Gigli, Freddy got Fingered, and Chairman of the Board. He was paid one gazillion dollars for this but frittered it all away buying Fragglerock merchandise on Ebay.

rpeate can gain or lose 100 pounds at will because his skin is a FULLY PERMEABLE MEMBRANE.

rpeate once ran out of condoms so he used a brick

Fri, May. 13th, 2005, 10:49 pm
socratic: Strike and counterstrike.

My friends, you may have heard some lies about me today while I was off working in the SHELTER FOR ABUSED MARMOTS. You may have heard claims that the Pinkerton gnomes revealed these facts. You may not know what to believe. I assure you, my friends, that the allegations made against me are both FALSE and pernicious, and come not from the PINKERTON gnomes but a rival agency, known as the STINKERTONS. I also know I cannot tell you what to think, but I believe that before you make your final determination you should take into account certain facts, such as that:

blorky has had over 14 elective rectal surgeries since June 2003, even though he CLAIMS he is not addicted to them.

blorky inspired the Matchbox 20 song "The Last Beautiful Girl." Also AC/DCs "Shoot to Thrill."

blorky hates Argon and any MOTHER FUCKER who refers to it as a "Noble gas."

blorky was voted "King of Bling" at H&R Block's annual accountant's ball.

blorky was totally into Christ before he got popular.

blorky holds this truth to be self evident: YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BITCH.

blorky is a 3-term governor of the state of grace.

blorky cannot fly a Boeing 747, but once dragged one to safety with his teeth after its engines stalled at 20,000 feet. Among the passengers blorky is credited with saving are Jacques Chirac and ERIK ESTRADA.

blorky just launched a hostile takeover of YOUR PANTS.

blorky is a very good father to each of his SEVENTY FOUR sons. He has no known daughters.

blorky prevented armageddon when he FILIBUSTERED GOD.

blorky is the funkiest insurance adjuster ever to come out of KENOSHA WISCONSIN.

blorky likes his coffee like he likes his women. Cold and distant.

blorky is living proof that you can HAMBURGLE without being a HAMBURGLAR

blorky is a very considerate lover, so long as you are DEAD.

blorky is as pungent as he is malevolent.

blorky calls his little black book of conquests "Amalgamated BITCHES."

blorky dials M for Mahvelous.

blorky is considered doubtful for Tuesday's volleyball match with a MISSING GROIN.

blorky is quite the Turkish delight

blorky unhinged his jaw and swallowed East Korea whole.

blorky died today. Cause of death? Total eclipse of the heart.

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