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Fri, Nov. 25th, 2005, 02:44 am
noumignon: terrible truths about Hugh Gallagher

This college application essay reminded me of terrible_truths:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from
a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was
scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international circles.
Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations
for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to
write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using
only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I
have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri
Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I
have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.