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Wed, Dec. 7th, 2005, 08:37 am
noumignon: Terrible Truths About Dick Cheney

Selected from a list at Ace of Spades HQ, Terrible Truths About Dick Cheney.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, Dick Cheney actually has the bleeding heart of a true liberal. He keeps it in a jar under his desk.

When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

Dick Cheney takes candy from babies, then later gives it to diabetic babies.

Dick Cheney calls each and every member of the Washington press corps a "cocksucker," but does not do so because of any personal animus--the man just knows.

Dick Cheney refuses to obey the First Law of Thermodynamics on principle.

Dick Cheney periodically goads Germany to invade Poland to prevent Europe from "going all sissy".

Dick Cheney once sodomized Sigmund Freud for being "so goddamned European." For the rest of his life, everything that Freud looked at reminded him of Dick Cheney's penis.

Dick Cheney won the first season of Survivor by eating the other contestants and camera crew. CBS is too scared to air the footage.

Dick Cheney refuses to wait for a heart attack to come... He has spent years planning a pre-emptive strike.

It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.

Dick Cheney invaded Russia in the winter and won.

Dick Cheney won't come into your home unless you invite him in.
Because he's really polite.

Dick Cheney has repeatedly pressed for Congressional resolutions banning torture, because it's not as fun if it's legal.

Dick Cheney's infamous "undisclosed location"? FUNKYTOWN!