Mon, Jul. 10th, 2006, 04:06 am
noumignon: terrible truths about the evangelical outpost
Terrible Truths about Joe Carter at the Evangelical Outpost
- I once solved the mysteries of the Navier-Stokes equations but forgot the answer before I could write it down.
- The Pirahã tribe whistle an epic tale of my grandeur.
- The Canadian Forces Dental Branch has a standing order to kill me on sight.
- I once ate a dingo’s baby.
- At the age of four I was considered a classical banjo prodigy.
- I can Martinize in less than one hour.
- At the age of two I was kidnapped by Tibetan monks who believed I was the 17th reincarnation of the Buddha.
- I have won awards for thumping tubs, noggins, and Bibles.
- I am immune from prosecution.
- Neurologists have diagnosed me as having a rare condition which causes me to skip leap years.
- I can tear holes in the space-time continuum and repair them with a quantum duct tape that I created.
- Norman Mailer and I have been feuding for two decades, though neither of us can remember why.
- I’m five IQ points smarter than I look.
- When people ask "How've you been?" I want to answer "cheeky" but I usually just say "I've been fine."
- My inner child is a six-year-old girl named Erline.
- The best job I ever had was the summer I worked as a roadie for Lawrence Welk.
- I sometimes go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence but most of the time I can't be bothered with such nonsense.
- I have the temperance of a Greek god.
- I was thrown out of a G & T program after it was discovered that I was neither gifted nor talented.
- The scent of my pheromones has been known to ease birthing pains in Chinese pandas.
- It’s been said that my face resembles a Picasso painting.
- On weekends I volunteer at nursing homes teaching krav maga to geriatrics.
- I invented the word “excrescence.”
- I was once the answer to 43 down in the New York Times Crossword puzzle.
- Tom Wolfe wears white suits as an homage to my virtue.
- The Oracle of Delphi prophesied that I would never amount to anything.
- I have often been the hero of “Choose Your Adventure” novels.
- I am all “Sturm”, no “Drang.”
- I am honorably discharged.
- I once quelled a riot in Chile by singing “Muskrat Love” in fluent Spanish.
- My favorite color is blue.
Tue, Jul. 11th, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)