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Mon, Jul. 10th, 2006, 04:06 am
noumignon: terrible truths about the evangelical outpost

Terrible Truths about Joe Carter at the Evangelical Outpost.
  • I once solved the mysteries of the Navier-Stokes equations but forgot the answer before I could write it down.

  • The Pirahã tribe whistle an epic tale of my grandeur.

  • The Canadian Forces Dental Branch has a standing order to kill me on sight.

  • I once ate a dingo’s baby.

  • At the age of four I was considered a classical banjo prodigy.

  • I can Martinize in less than one hour.

  • At the age of two I was kidnapped by Tibetan monks who believed I was the 17th reincarnation of the Buddha.

  • I have won awards for thumping tubs, noggins, and Bibles.

  • I am immune from prosecution.

  • Neurologists have diagnosed me as having a rare condition which causes me to skip leap years.

  • I can tear holes in the space-time continuum and repair them with a quantum duct tape that I created.

  • Norman Mailer and I have been feuding for two decades, though neither of us can remember why.

  • I’m five IQ points smarter than I look.

  • When people ask "How've you been?" I want to answer "cheeky" but I usually just say "I've been fine."

  • My inner child is a six-year-old girl named Erline.

  • The best job I ever had was the summer I worked as a roadie for Lawrence Welk.

  • I sometimes go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence but most of the time I can't be bothered with such nonsense.

  • I have the temperance of a Greek god.

  • I was thrown out of a G & T program after it was discovered that I was neither gifted nor talented.

  • The scent of my pheromones has been known to ease birthing pains in Chinese pandas.

  • It’s been said that my face resembles a Picasso painting.

  • On weekends I volunteer at nursing homes teaching krav maga to geriatrics.

  • I invented the word “excrescence.”

  • I was once the answer to 43 down in the New York Times Crossword puzzle.

  • Tom Wolfe wears white suits as an homage to my virtue.

  • The Oracle of Delphi prophesied that I would never amount to anything.

  • I have often been the hero of “Choose Your Adventure” novels.

  • I am all “Sturm”, no “Drang.”

  • I am honorably discharged.

  • I once quelled a riot in Chile by singing “Muskrat Love” in fluent Spanish.

  • My favorite color is blue.

Tue, Jul. 11th, 2006 12:45 am (UTC)

Well played.