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Fri, May. 13th, 2005, 02:43 pm
blorky: (no subject)

The Pinkertons do not discriminate against race, color, creed, or height. Lookie, lookie, lookie what they turned up about our esteemed colleague.

socratic had his verbs removed after a long bout with cancer.

socratic cast the deciding 9th vote for the last 5 years running.

socratic is the reason many of us have the strength to carry on.

socratic is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

socratic taunted Happy Fun Ball. That’s why the warning is there.

socratic ’s shopping lists have brought many women to orgasm. And by “women” we mean “ethnic minorities” and by “orgasm” we mean “intertribal warfare”.

socratic actually does care for the downtrodden.

socratic knows when “No” means “No” and when it doesn’t.

socratic receives beyond-the-grave messages from Stanley Kubrick saying “Finish my work….finish myyy wooork..”

socratic stopped singing and be-bop died.

socratic was going to become a saint until that FUCKER Ratzinger saw the size of his DONG

socratic wicks like a motherfucker, yo.

socratic has received undisclosed sexual favors from Angelina Jolie as part of an out of court product liability lawsuit settlement.

socratic flossed for the Resistance during the War.

socratic can do things with a retractable awning that would make your blood run cold.

socratic only wants the best for you.

socratic can’t. Or won’t. We’re not sure, and he won’t tell us. On most days we can bear the pain, but today…today it’s a little too much.

Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 06:54 pm
socratic: Factoids R U

The gnomes won't say how they got these TERRIBLE TRUTHS, only that it cost them $300 and a signed 3-D picture of BROOK SHIELDS. In exchange for that HEAVY PRICE they found out that:

missfestival is the greatest artist in the world, but will never be discovered because she only works in INVISIBLE MEDIA.

missfestival's breasts are both antisocial karate experts. The only thing that stops them from fighting and CAVING IN HER CHEST is a daily dose of Vagisil.

missfestival rebuilds the Berlin wall every night just to freak people out. Then if they tell anyone about it she tears it down so fast that they think it was a DREAM.

missfestival was widely applauded for her performance in the 1962 film Lawrence of Arabia where she played Lawrence, Prince Feisal, and ALL THE CAMELS. She was, however, harmed during the filming when she accidentally cut off her leg with a band saw while building ALL THE SETS. That is why the film is the biggest flop she has ever been involved with.

missfestival ended apartheid because it was HALF-ASSED SLAVERY. She supports only FULL-ASSED slavery.

missfestival's ovaries contain enough oil to account for 90% of U.S. needs for the next century.

missfestival snacks exclusively on baby's breath. Not the flower, the vapor.

missfestival could only say "Charles Durning" until she was 18 years old. Despite this she was a BRILLIANT CONVERSATIONALIST.

missfestival was the inspiration for the movie "The Evil Dead" because her name sounds like ASHLY when you say it with Sam Raimi's COCK IN YOUR MOUTH.

missfestival briefly added a thirteenth month to the calender, "Niggember." She quietly removed it after some harsh words from MARTIN LUTHER KING.

missfestival once turned Shaquille O'Neil to stone for looking at her funny. She then sold him for a HEFTY PROFIT.

missfestival is the true mother of Democracy because she NAMED HER BABY THAT!

missfestival emptied Al Capone's vault to HUMILIATE Geraldo Rivera. What was in it before she picked it clean? MONTY HALL!

missfestival suffers from a case of the Mondays every 1.5 fortnights.

missfestival thinks Isaac Newton was a HUGE PUSSY but won't say why.

missfestival farts the deadly neurotoxin strychnine whenever she eats Tapas. She calls these releases "Spanish Bombs" after the Clash song.

missfestival gave Woody Allen his name in an attempt at irony after learning that the comedians penis was MICROSCOPIC.

missfestival invented a sexual maneuver called the "Woodward and Bernstein." She won't go into details about it but you definitely need a mustache and 3 cords of plywood to even attempt it. It is illegal in 54 states.

missfestival takes great head.

missfestival played professional tennis as a man AND a woman. She won the mixed doubles grand slam while partnering only with HERSELF!

missfestival once stored uranium in her mouth for a decade and when it came out it was COREY FELDMAN.

missfestival does not taste like chicken. Chicken tastes like missfestival.

Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 02:03 pm
socratic: Easy like a sunday morning

This one was easy. The Pinkerton gnomes only had to ask ONE PERSON in order to learn that:

rhedkrow must be listed on all customs forms as a PERISHABLE FRUIT.

rhedkrow can distract predators by slowing down her heart rate, freezing statue still, and looking exactly like a ravenous Rob Reiner.

rhedkrow wants to be reincarnated as the third law of thermodynamics but only has enough karma for FERMAT'S LAST THEOREM.

rhedkrow can reproduce asexually with only the aid of a cranberry scone.

rhedkrow has an anal canal worth over seven hundred MILLION dollars.

rhedkrow was an instrumental part of the trade that brought Hershel Walker to the Minnesota Vikings. As a result she has been declared an ENEMY OF THE GREAT LAKES REGION.

rhedkrow is frequently mistaken for fat-soluble vitamins such as D or K.

rhedkrow smells alarmingly of MINT JULEP.

rhedkrow found the first CHRISTIAN BIBLE in a crackerjack box. She was hoping for a PLASTIC BUNNY.

rhedkrow can only pick her nose with a nosepick made of diamond because any other substance would COMBUST due to her high-friction nosehairs.

rhedkrow has 32 teeth in her jaw, none of which are her own.

rhedkrow considers Andy Dick to be a dildo who says unfunny things.

rhedkrow invented adjectives just so she could call Paula Abdul a "Stupid Cunt."

rhedkrow owns a long sofa and a vibrating LIFE.

rhedkrow sank the part of Germany where the cool people were supposed to go into the CASPIAN SEA.

rhedkrow has the world's greatest collection of sock-puppets, weighing in at over FOUR puppets!

rhedkrow is prized by pygmy medicine men for her analgesic properties.

rhedkrow refuses to call a truck a Lorry or an apartment a flat even when she is in ENGLAND, which is why she can NEVER BE QUEEN.

rhedkrow orders spare ribs in Chinese Restaurants even though she is DEATHLY AFRAID OF PORK. When the ribs are brought to her table she will look at them suspiciously and then KILL THE WAITER for trying to poison her. After the cook assures her that the ribs are safe by eating one in her presence she brings the waiter back to life using only her abdominal muscles, which have supernatural powers thanks to her love of pilates. If the waiter does not come back to life she claims it is proof that he was evil and demands that her MEAL BE FREE.

rhedkrow is derived from a mango substitute called "Mostly Mango." This substance is illegal in every country on earth, except Pakistan.

rhedkrow has enough frequent flier miles to circle the earth ONE BILLION TIMES if she flies coach. She can get from D.C. to Baltimore flying first class.

rhedkrow hates the sinner, loves the sin.

Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 10:40 am
mostlyevilmisha: This should be good...learn too much and my minions will have at you...

Gnomes, hunh?
well, i've hidden my underpants,
tilled over my garden
and trained my cat to attack anything under
14 inches tall.
c'mon, Wunder-Gnomes...
you are no match for EvilBoyGenius.

Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 12:05 pm
socratic: Get down! GET DOWN!

Another unknown quantity who the Pinkerton Gnomes had to investigate on their own. This one was a surprise though, because she had so FEW skeletons in her closet. All they were able to learn was that:

jenniffer lives in an exact 7/4 scale replica of Calista Flockheart.

jenniffer holds the world record score for Ms. Pac Man, and is PAC MAN'S PAC MISTRESS.

jenniffer stole Arnold Schwarzenegger's testicles to bake into a cherry pie, which she hand fed to MARIA SHRIVER.

jenniffer invented gravity to keep the sun from flying off and RUINING her tan. Invented gravy because IT IS DELICIOUS.

jenniffer once shot Anne Rice twelve times to stop her FROM WRITING CRAPPY NOVELS. Anne Rice survived by deflecting the bullets with her IRON BOSOM technique.

jenniffer's name means "She who waltzes with death before kicking him in the nuts and giving him a wedgie" in French Canadian.

jenniffer caused the December 26 tsunami by surfing so hard she BROKE THE OCEAN.

jenniffer invented the Internet, believes the film Love Story is based on her, and lost a close election to George Bush in 2000, yet she bears NO RESEMBLANCE to Al Gore.

jenniffer spent the '50's and '60's pretending to be a Mississippi boy named Elvis Presley. In the '70's she passed the character on to actor Richard Attenborough, who promptly ate a Peanut Butter sandwich and DIED. Now she impersonates Richard Attenborough.

jenniffer has a unique malady called "Spaceballs spine" which, among other things, means she never has to ask someone else whether her butt looks big because she can SEE IT AT ANY TIME.

jenniffer dares you to not to think about Pink Elephants because that will cause you to THINK about Pink Elephants and leave you unprepared for a PUNCH IN THE NOSE.

jenniffer discovered sex while trying to smuggle bull penises off the set of FEAR FACTOR.

jenniffer wiped out the dinosaurs with PURE ARITHMETIC

jenniffer laid siege to the Vatican in the 1930's and after consuming the hearts of the Swiss Guard declared herself Pope for a day. The joke was on her though, as she has been the true pope EVER SINCE.

jenniffer once couldn't get out of sex with the headache excuse, so was forced to deploy the NUCLEAR OPTION.

jenniffer sank the Titanic out of SHEER BOREDOM. She believes that the three hour epic about her prank should be called JAMES CAMERON'S REVENGE.

jenniffer strongly advocates beating James Dobson with sufficient magnitude to make him genuinely DIE.

jenniffer owns a huge fur factory but is still a PETA board member because they fear her POWER.

jenniffer evolved from the lowly Sea snail in UNDER TWO DAYS.

jenniffer won the 1960 Cannes film festival's highest honor with her film "(Get Up I Feel Like Being a ) Sex Machine." James Brown later wrote a song about it.

jenniffer was banned from NCAA competition after choking BOB KNIGHT.

jenniffer leveled the entire city of Carthage New York to make room for a swimming pool she NEVER USES.

Thu, May. 12th, 2005, 10:19 am
noumignon: cut and paste

Okay, this isn't original nor is it about someone in this community, but it fits here like it's been looking for its home ever since it was written in June 2003.

TOP TEN THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT NEWT GINGRICH

10. Is the four-time champion at "Starving Orphan Tossing".

9. Is a natural blond, but dyes his hair gray to try and fit in.

8. Was forever banned from the D.C. zoo when he was biologically driven to try and kill the giraffes.

7. Though he loved becoming Speaker of the House, he still considers his best accomplishment besting a hog in a pie-eating contest.

6. Cherishes family values so much that he keeps trying to find a more valuable family.

5. Was enraged by the Newsweek cover that declared him the "Gingrinch Who Stole Christmas" because what he really was trying to destroy was Kwanzaa.

4. His backyard is full of unmarked hobo graves.

3. Waited until his previous wife had a high fever to tell her he never actually liked her tuna casserole.

2. Once sucker punched Hillary and then ran like hell.

1. Has a doll head named Casey he holds close when he is hiding from the monsters.
From IMAO. I ran across it completely by accident.

Wed, May. 11th, 2005, 10:00 pm
socratic: Exploring the unknown

This one was difficult, since I had NO information to give the gnomes before they began their quest. Much was hidden from them, but they did manage to learn that:

synnoveaevael killed River Phoenix and is haunted by his ghost every fortnight and his agent every fucking day.

synnoveaevael's mantra is "Hate the patriarchy, love the shoes."

synnoveaevael knocked up Jim Henson, and thus was born Kylie Minogue.

synnoveaevael's Indian name is "Takes it up butt like MAN!"

synnoveaevael traded her babies for a red corvette and considers it a STEAL.

synnoveaevael jumped on the Coldplay bandwagon back when they were known as LUKEWARMPLAY.

synnoveaevael blew up France in the 1970's, but put it back together before anyone noticed.

synnoveaevael cannot eat solid foods because of GLOBAL WARMING.

synnoveaevael broke into the White House and shat on George Bush's toothbrush. George Bush used the brush for THREE WEEKS before he noticed because HER SHIT TASTES LIKE TOOTHPASTE!

synnoveaevael vomits only the finest Puerto Ricans.

synnoveaevael drinks her dinners in a fancy restaurant but is NOT BALD or a GAY MIDGET!

synnoveaevael came to be when a monkey raped a hurricane. To this day whenever she sees a zoo she TURNS IT TO ASH.

synnoveaevael cannot be killed by conventional weapons, for she is ALREADY DEAD

synnoveaevael cannot be married, even in Massachusetts, because her significant other is a MANIMAL!

synnoveaevael is the only woman to play herself on America's Most Wanted without being caught. She did so SEVEN TIMES.

synnoveaevael is available for Bar Mitzvahs if you are willing to give up your LIVER.

synnoveaevael voted for John Kerry, but her heart remained with Kucinich.

synnoveaevael does not have a God complex. God has a synnoveaevael complex.

synnoveaevael talked to Dr. Phil and MADE HIM TO CRY!

synnoveaevael's breast milk is the only food that sustains Kim Jong Il. She loves him and will NEVER LET HIM DIE.

synnoveaevael is the source of all helium in the world.

synnoveaevael was found guilty of crimes against humanity in the Hague and was sentenced to a SEXY PARTY!

Wed, May. 11th, 2005, 07:17 pm
socratic: OMG

The nitro_pb was a tough quarry, there's no denying that. He went down hard though, and the revelations...well...they won't shock you...they will BLOW YOUR MIND. To Wit:

nitro_pb 's superhero name is THE VELVET MUZZLE.

nitro_pb once went up to Madonna and was like "What's up bitch?" and Madonna was like "back off," so nitro_pb killed her and replaced her with FEMALE IMPERSONATOR RUPAUL!

nitro_pb 's semen is so hot that if he came on the sun IT WOULD BE BURNED.

nitro_pb ate the entire city of TROY in ONE SITTING and WAS NOT MADE FULL.

nitro_pb would show you the pimp hand, but would have to KILL YOU.

nitro_pb leads the American League in INTENTIONAL WALKS.

nitro_pb dwarfs the mighty redwood with his mighty cock.

nitro_pb wrote the next 1,000 Ashton Kutcher movies after a bad plate of Mexican food and can NEVER FORGIVE HIMSELF.

nitro_pb encourages physical fitness by KILLING FAT PEOPLE.

nitro_pb is, in fact, the real Slim Shady but REFUSES TO STAND.

nitro_pb once disguised himself as Typhoid Mary and coughed on people until a panic started, at which point he whipped off the disguise and shouted "Don't worry citizens, the typhoid is NOT REAL!" but it was and they all died.

nitro_pb is shocked, SHOCKED, to find that gambling is going on in here.

nitro_pb created Rush Limbaugh out of PURE CELESTIAL LIGHT and can't figure out what went wrong.

nitro_pb steadfastly denies an oedipus complex despite having killed his father and married his mother.

nitro_pb has a foolproof plan to fix social security using only 1,000 hairpins and WHITE SLAVERY.

nitro_pb goes on a rampage whenever he sees a word written in CAPITAL LETTERS.

nitro_pb has no formal education except a PhD in KICKING ASS.

nitro_pb once caught a crow trying to peck out his eyeballs and grabbed the crow by the throat and said "Peace be upon you brother" and that crow is now CONAN O'BRIEN'S ONLY FRIEND!

nitro_pb is a nationally syndicated radio host despite being FUNCTIONALLY ILLITERATE.

nitro_pb ended the cold war on a DARE.

nitro_pb bets on ESPN classic and WINS EVERY TIME!

nitro_pb is your LAST BEST HOPE of getting laid.

Wed, May. 11th, 2005, 05:45 pm
massagegodde88: (no subject)

Can I have one done?? :)

Wed, May. 11th, 2005, 02:45 pm
socratic: The news is good the news is true

Australia was not kind to the Pinkerton Gnomes, who had to contend with the indignity of didgeridoos and kangaroos, the latter of which tried to get a little handsy with one of the investigators. Nonetheless they persevered and managed to obtain the following information:


nikkie_noo saved over 1 million percent on her car insurance by switching to Geico!

nikkie_noo found her orgasm in Westport Connecticut where it was living under the assumed name "Carey Belmont" and had 2 beautiful daughters. She dutifully dragged it back to where it belongs, in her nether regions, leaving the girls MOTHERLESS.

nikkie_noo likes her women like she likes her coffee. French Roasted.

nikkie_noo is Luxembourg's official "Icon of Fashion" and headlines its annual Refurbished Electric Devices that Work as Good as New parade.

nikkie_noo calls horseback riding her greatest passion but she LIES. Her greatest passion is, in fact, USURY!

nikkie_noo is one credit short of a COLLEGE DEGREE. Unfortunately that credit is in a class called DEATH!

nikkie_noo wishes Paris Hilton would just EAT A SANDWICH...because she knows it would KILL HER!

nikkie_noo douches with only the finest Bangladeshi raw sewage.

nikkie_noo qualified for the 1998 Olympic games but did not go, saying "Fuck the Olympics. FUCK THEM IN THE ASS!"

nikkie_noo was kicked out of the masons for bad mortar work.

nikkie_noo creates pornography out of oatmeal and sells it to children.

nikkie_noo wouldn't kill David Hasselhoff, but neither would she NOT kill David Hasselhoff.

nikkie_noo committed suicide in 1967 but was brought back to life by the kiss of ORLANDO BLOOM.

nikkie_noo doesn't get the whole "barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen" thing because "Why wouldn't you wear shoes?"

nikkie_noo killed the radio star on commission from Video.

nikkie_noo has a wonderful sense of false direction.

nikkie_noo hates Americans because she thinks they are all NINETY FEET TALL.

nikkie_noo dated Tom Cruise last year when he was a NOBODY and feels sorry for Katie Holmes.

nikkie_noo smoked pot in college but she never exhaled.

nikkie_noo isn't that hungry, but if you're SURE you're not going to finish that...

nikkie_noo's sorry she hit you baby. Come back home.

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